Saturday, May 31, 2014

One in the Bank (adult)

So I recently have discovered the golden key to getting my husband to go shopping wherever I want without bitching or trying to rush me.
Its like the holy freaking grail and I can't believe how long it took me to figure it out.
We've been together 6 years and I've only mastered this in the past year.
I will admit that some of that is my fault.

The Holy Grail is to give him oral first.
Apparently if I blow him before shopping he will happily go wherever I pick lol

I had some hangups about blowing him though it was no fault of his.
I had a couple ex's before him that used to pressure me something awful to blow them and then when I would finally cave they would try to treat me like the men do in porn.
Purposely gagging me, pulling my hair, grabbing my head to try and like face fuck me. Looking back on the way they treated me it was obvious our relationship was doomed.
I should have bit them.

Completely turned me off to the idea of EVER having another penis in my mouth.

I had to work my way up to doing oral on him after those past experiences.
Thankfully the Mister was very understanding and did his best to be patient with me as I conquered my issues.

Now that I have gotten over all that I almost kicking myself for not doing it sooner lmao

We also do a thing called the blow job bank where I owe him a BJ if he does something for me that I really don't want to do like cleaning out the refrigerator, dealing with my mother when she hounds me on the phone all day, making a midnight run for milkshakes etc.

I heard a comedian mention something similar to this where his wife puts a blow job in the bank every time he does something nice around the house.
I call shenanigans on that one.
There is no way I am going to owe the Mister a BJ for taking out the garbage or putting away the dishes.
That is shit he should already be helping with.
Plus if Mister got a BJ for that kind of stuff I would owe him SOOOO many my jaw would drop off.
Also if you're going to do a BJ Bank type thing don't have more black out dates then an air service when you're trying to redeem miles.
That's just not fair PLUS it makes you come across as a ingrate.

I know its not for everyone and just because it works for us doesn't mean that it'll fit in your relationship.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Words to Grow Up with...

Growing up I constantly heard about what my Mom and her “friends” claimed men wanted in a wife. (I don’t know why I listened since none could maintain a decent relationship)But that is neither here nor there.
It’s bizarre that this is one of the things that stuck with me when everything else went in one ear and out the other.
They always said that what a man wants in a Housewife is a… a Chef in the Kitchen,a Lady in the living-room, and a Whore in the Bedroom. And I don’t mean Whore like they want someone that is going to run around on them or they all enjoyed being cuckold. I mean they want someone that knows what they’re doing and can get down to it.
I was thoroughly confused until I became a teen and hormones hit.

Even then I had no idea why Mom and her friends told me something like that. After the way my parents marriage went and watching all her friends come crying to our house because their relationships had ended I was not interested in getting married nor cared what men wanted.
One woman gave me some very handy advice as she was sitting on our couch after getting dumped by a dude that was only interested in booty calls. She told me that women get attached too easily and that we should be more like men. Keep our emotions out of it and be like a Man. Then you won’t get your heart broken.
didn't mean go slut it up either; it was just to protect your heart and to basically use men.
I was all for that advice and it served me well right until I fell in L-O-V-E. I tried to stay detached but apparently Cupid had had enough of my shit and sniped my ass.
I had been in lower case l-o-v-e before but not like this.
Those words always stayed in the back of my mind but now I find them running full bore through my head and I’m a hOusewife with a 4 year old daughter to chase.

Since I had never had any plans of becoming a housewife or Hell even a Wife I've had to figure things out as I go.
Growing up around dysfunctional relationships only gave me a list of things NOT to do.

I knew that I didn't want to do things like my friends who most have already been divorced once.
I don’t want advice from them.
I realized that the women from back in my Grandma’s era 50′s, 60′s and 70′s were on to something, and that my mom and her dysfunctional friends did at least give me one grain of helpful advice.
You need to be just as versatile at home as you would be in the workforce. Everyone is looking for someone that can do it all and that can function properly anywhere.

Now I can cook like a Boss and I have perfect manners when it matters. (The rest of the time I talk like a well educated sailor)

But the one thing no one talks about is the Whore part.
Back in the day all you had to worry about was your partner buying a Playboy or if he went to the bar you might have to worry about the easy women that hung out there.
Now you feel like you have to compete with internet Porn, magazines, certain TV shows (feels like everything) and none of them are geared towards making you feel better about yourself.
Especially if you've had baby unless you're one of those blessed individuals.

No one ever talks about how to squeeze in a quickie during the kid’s nap time, or other alternatives for being intimate or even things to do to get your sex drive to bounce back.

They sometimes mention little ways to spice up your sex life but it’s nice to hear it from someone that’s actually tried those maneuvers.
I know magazines write small articles on shit like that but they are usually no help at all, or they repeat things you've heard before. OR they’re like Cosmo and suggest crazy moves that either your partner wants no part of or you have no time for.

Welp that’s what I hope to help with this Blog ;)

Should be an interesting journey.